Oh, you know that’s just silly hyperbole, but have you ever felt weighed down by your past? A friend recently asked me privately if I’d share my life’s journey with her. I began, “As for my life’s journey, that’s a source of great shame for me.” Truly, I have experienced my fallen, sinful nature – over and over again. How can that be, for one raised with moral ideals and a biblical view of Yahuah and His Son’s plan of salvation? Let me tell you: parents don’t always teach children HOW to overcome sin. Instruction by example? Parents, too, are subject to their fallen nature, and sometimes neglect to teach biblical principles with consistency.
I’ve often felt a kinship with Apostle Paul. He said once to his companion, Timothy, “And we know that the Torah is good IF one uses it legitimately, knowing that Torah is not laid down for a righteous being, but for the lawless and unruly …” 1 Tim. 8-9 Then he says, “Trustworthy is the word and worthy of all acceptance, that Messiah came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost.  Did you see that? Even Paul believed he was the worst sinner! Well now, I’m getting somewhere with this line of thinking …
Every time I stepped aside of Yah’s grace, I knew in the quiet recesses of my sinful heart I’d come back to Him. I recall thinking about the greatest sin; grieving the Spirit. I’d simple rationalize I couldn’t have done that or I wouldn’t feel so miserable in my sins. That’s a dangerous game to play, folks. And I’d think of that, too. What if I died in my sin? The old Calvinist’s view: once saved, always saved is not a biblical concept. “For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,” Hebrews 10: 26 “But if a righteous person turns from their righteousness and commits sin and does the same detestable things the wicked person does, will they live? None of the righteous things that person has done will be remembered. Because of the unfaithfulness they are guilty of, and because of the sins they have committed, they will die.” Ezekiel 18:24
So I understood the reward for sin is death, and the worst part of this death is being separated from Yah for eternity. The Good News is, He created an escape valve we can release! Gotta be sincerely sorry for your sin, though, and only use it with the intention of not sinning again – “If we confess our sins, He’s faithful and justified to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 Can you imagine if He just cut us off – like we really deserve? Ever heard this? The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jer. 17:9
Bless Yahuah’s heart, He’d gifted me with so much talent that I squandered simply because I lacked the coping skills to deal with it. Sometimes, the praise I’d get for my abilities would go to my head. Then other times, I’d shy away from the comments, thinking to myself they ought to be praising YAH – not me. People were moved, even still. The POWER of Yah’s blessing is not for the blessed one- it’s for those within it’s presence. He knew what he was doing, and He used it for a season.
My insecurities led me into a lot of sinning. Instead of studying the Word for direction, and laying my insecurity and mindless thinking with Him in prayer, I’d ford ahead on my own path. I hadn’t learned to utilize Yahuah’s tools, and by this time – I couldn’t continue to blame my parents. I needed to grow UP into the fulness of faith, casting fresh eyes on His path before me. Again and again, though, I fell. Each time, it was a situation unlike the one before it or at least I was too numb to recognize the danger ahead. Have you ever left for someplace and realized, long after you reached your destination, that you’d forgotten something important? That’s the way my walk with Yahusha [Jesus] was. Forgetting to study or pray for days on end, giving little thought to it, because basically, I saw life through a self-reflective compass. I’m curious, and you know what they say about that dead cat? Before I’d realize what I was doing … it was too late. Yahuah will allow you to waller like a pig in your sins. He loves us more than can be understood by us, but He’s given us free will. Now satan, on the other hand, has many tools he relishes using against us! Keeping me numb, and from deeply feeling anything was one of his tools. Desperately craving earthly love was another. Couple these things with a persona that draws people because you’re percieved as a leader type, [yet you’re NOT!], and many entanglements dangle just ahead.
So how did she get out of it, you might be asking? When it did happen, it was intense and quick. Finally feeling the overwhelming hopelessness of my sins and where they had led me; the wasted years, the shattered promises, I cried out one night, “Father, show Yourself to me!” What He has revealed over the course of a handful of years is truly life-changing. He’s taught me to not look at myself or depend upon my own understanding. Actually, the Word instructs this; “Trust in Elohim with all your heart; and lean not on your own misunderstanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
I’ve had to learn I cannot trust my own skewed judgement. I’ve realized I’m weak. I know I’m hardheaded and proud, by nature – and this, dear folks, will not do. Truth is, He was there L O N G before I crumbled under the realization that He truly is the only answer. There He was, waited patiently to call me home.